You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
