we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
