Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I puked a lego.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
