I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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