I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
