Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
