Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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