the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
