My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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