the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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