I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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