I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
