did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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