Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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