My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
