Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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