I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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