3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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