I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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