I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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