dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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