____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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