Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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