Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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