I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
