Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
