Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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