what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
