I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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