the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
