I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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