I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
