You can't special order awesome
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
