Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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