Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
