so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
