; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
