i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
