You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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