so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
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He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
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If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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