On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
