dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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