One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
