my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
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I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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