I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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