I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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