so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
