There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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