She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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