I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
True strength comes from lack of pants
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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