just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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