i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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