so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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