Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
