This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
