I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sarcasm needs its own font
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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