You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
