Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
