I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
