my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
