Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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